Helping Others the Way They Need, Not the Way You Assume
- PG Geldenhuys
- Aug 20
- 3 min read
I’m a classic Enneagram Type Seven, “The Enthusiastic Visionary.” I’ve got a lust for adventure, for new experiences, for filling my calendar with things to look forward to. For years, I thought that’s just how I was wired. But the Enneagram has taught me something deeper: our personalities aren’t random. They’re shaped, in part, by the childhood experiences and small traumas that taught us what we needed to do to be safe, loved, or significant.
For me, that meant learning to outrun discomfort by chasing the next big thing: the next idea, the next challenge, the next adventure. With kids and adulthood and sticking with a business concept for a while, one does need to park that spirit a little bit. But not completely. Because, friends, one of my great adventures is discovering a new author. I tend to reread old favourites a lot, just like I like to go back to Magica Roma a lot… and when I do stumble onto somebody new that I love, it feels like ten Christmases all at once, especially if there is a body of work to delve into.
When the EO Book Club recently introduced me to Fredrik Backman, I was delighted. A Man Called Ove was my first pick. And it got under my skin, to the point of a bit of a sniffle when the book ended.
Backman is a comic genius. His writing sparkles, and he never wastes time making Ove “likeable” in the traditional sense. He rather shows us, bit by bit, the “why” of Ove - the way life cut away at his true self to mould the man he was to become, both the seemingly obvious gruff exterior, and the incredibly kind and generous core far, far below. It is creative mastery, and I was spellbound.
Ove feels to me like an Enneagram Eight - “The Active Controller.” Eights protect themselves and those they care about by staying strong, staying in control, and never showing weakness.
When life deals a crushing blow, that armour can harden. Ove’s orderliness isn’t just personality… it’s a defensive perimeter. For an Eight, control becomes the way to keep grief at bay.
And here’s the Enneagram connection: my style as a Seven runs in the opposite direction. I avoid sadness by running toward the new; Eights avoid sadness by locking the gates. Same pain, different strategies.
Bessel van der Kolk reminds us in The Body Keeps the Score that trauma isn’t the event, it’s “the residue that remains” in our body and mind. For Ove, that residue shows up in boundaries and brusqueness. For me, it shows up as an overstuffed diary and endless future plans.
The Enneagram doesn’t excuse these patterns, but it does explain them. And that understanding is what softens judgement, whether in life or in leadership.
Backman lets the healing happen subtly. People interrupt Ove’s solitude with requests, conversations, and moments of shared humanity. They don’t try to “fix” him. They simply keep showing up. There’s a leadership lesson there, I think.
We’ve all worked with people who seem hard-edged or unyielding. The temptation is to push against them or write them off. But if you can see the Eight behind the armour - someone keeping control to keep pain at bay - you can lead differently.
Respect their autonomy. Offer small, specific invitations to contribute. And give them the dignity of not forcing vulnerability before they’re ready.
Because whether you’re a Seven running toward the next adventure or an Eight guarding the gates, life regains its colour when you have these three things: someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. And sometimes, the person who teaches you that looks nothing like you… until they do.
PG’s Pro Tip:
If you or someone on your team resonates with Ove’s Eight-style armour, here’s a prompt you can paste into ChatGPT to explore it:
I am an Enneagram Type Eight. I tend to try to control my environment and the people around me as a way of avoiding my own sadness and vulnerability. Please help me identify:
Which of the “three essentials” - someone to love, something to do, something to look forward to - might be missing for me right now.
Practical ways I can reconnect with that missing element without defaulting to control or confrontation.
Gentle self-awareness practices I can use when I notice my control patterns showing up.
How I might experiment with letting trusted people into my inner world in small, safe steps.
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